College Republican Federation of Virginia

Guest Column by JMU’s Mike Yarborough

For years “diversity” has been the mantra of universities and other public organizations across America. In an effort to ensure their theology is obeyed by the thronging masses, these groups have undertaken various propaganda campaigns ranging from a month for every ethnicity/race, to multi-colored puppets on Sesame Street. Well, James Madison University has taken diversity indoctrination to an all new level: sandwiches.

That’s right dear reader; JMU has impressed the humble sandwich into the left’s international diversity crusade. In short, the three main sandwich distribution points on campus, Dukes, Market One, and Festival, all make and serve their sandwiches in different ways. After years of careful study and observation of sandwiches on campus I have realized that sandwiches are the university’s primary instrument of diversity indoctrination.

There are many details and differences between the sandwiches at the three aforementioned places, but they basically reduce to differences in bread, meat, and preparation. On the bread front, Dukes and Market One both have light brown whole wheat sub rolls. Festival, on the other hand, while lacking the light brown sub rolls is the only place that regularly has the dark brown sub rolls. These dark brown rolls are unquestionably superior, but your author is rarely at Festival to partake in their bounty.

The differences in meat are less in terms of selection, but in measurement. Dukes has all the meats pre-measured and divided by little slips of wax paper. This efficient means of meat distribution sharply contrasts with Festival’s where the sandwich maker has to weigh out every customer’s meat choice. In addition to being inefficient, it also seems more unsanitary because there are constantly different meats touching the same scale that is covered with only a piece of saran wrap…which has probably been there all day. At Market One the sandwich makers simply use their best judgment when it comes to how much meat to give.

Finally, the preparation process at each differs significantly. At Dukes sandwich making is run like an assembly line where one person handles all of the bread, meat, and cheese requests, while a different person handles all of the vegetables and sauces. In-between these two vital sandwiching stations is the toaster machine. Thus, at Dukes, the whole system is constantly moving. Market One, on the other hand, operates on a one sandwich at a time pattern, where a single employee makes the entire sandwich before moving on to another customer. Ideally, this system is more personal, but overall less efficient and Market One lacks a toaster machine. Finally, Festival has the most inefficient system of all because if you want the sandwich toasted, your whole order is transferred to a different part of the sandwiching operation and a new toaster line is created.

JMU’s sandwich diversity training creates three very different systems of sandwich making…none of which are as good as they could be. Each has its own drawbacks that could be mostly eliminated by combining the strengths of all. The main loser in this plot is you, the consumer of sandwiches.